life / me / RL / thoughts

Brain overload

There’s so much to see, there’s so much to learn, there’s so much to know and to understand. How do I find the time, how do I fit it all in? The planet is so big, and I’m so small. I feel like a drop in the ocean. A blink of an eye, in the huge expanse that time and knowledge and existence is. I didn’t used to care about living, I only imagined what it would be like to die. Where do we go, what happens, does anything happen, will it hurt, will I be afraid? I don’t know the answers to any of those questions still, but I do know now that I’m not ready to find out yet. I like life. I feel almost shy of that admission, because it’s new to me. I’m still getting used to the way it sounds in my head; contemplating it quietly, without really knowing what to do about it yet. I’m not fixed; there are some days that the world paralyses me with fear. Or rather, the things that the people in the world do to the planet and to each other paralyse me with fear. And on those times I feel alone and I think, I can’t stand another day on this f**king planet! But there are other times when I am considering the way that stars look at night, or how the sea sounds, or how the moon pulls the tides, or rain on my window, or how grass feels when I walk on it, or the miracle of a flower or a bird or a tree… a million things in nature that fascinate and overwhelm me with amazement and happiness, that connect me to the universe and make me feel I belong. And my insides rise up like music, because there’s so much to see, there’s so much to learn, there’s so much to know and understand. I don’t know hardly anything, I waste too much time, but I’m tired.

Live in the moment, that’s what my wisest friends tell me. Live in the moment, and then your thoughts don’t race away.

2 thoughts on “Brain overload

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