life / me / music / quote / RL / Second Life / SL

1st Jan 2015

Hello everyone, happy new year. This is a quick post to share a collage I did with Picmonkey of the pictures I took at Q Lounge Trance Club new year’s party last night, before I had to go and bring in the new year in RL. As a lot of my friends in SL are 1 or 2 hours ahead of GMT, I brought in the new year with them in the virtual world at 11pm UK time. It was a nice time, I didn’t really want to leave but I had promised my RL friend I would look in on him ‘for just one hour’ at his home. It was okay there, people were drunk and dancing to some, I have to say, pretty epic! old school tracks and so I did some drunk dancing too and said hello to the new year at midnight in the RL too. I will post a couple of the tunes at the end of this post that I really liked.

Collage Q Lounge 2015So, I have made it through Xmas and the new year. And also my birthday which happens in December too. It is a pretty overwhelming, emotional and at times a difficult month for me in the RL. Thank universe for SL which I often describe as my drug of choice, and I am grateful every day for my friends there and I have made some nice memories in-world over this festive season. I have however consumed way too much alcohol to smooth things over the last few weeks and told myself that in January, which is now, I am drawing a line under that habit. I can’t remember if I have posted before in this blog that I live with PTSD in RL, and one of my biggest problems associated with that which affects me in the day to day is anxiety, or as the website I linked to describes it, increased anxiety and emotional arousal. The other stuff comes and goes in waves, depending on what is happening or the time of year. Anxiety is a day to day reality and I am constantly managing it in the best way that I can, by avoiding any situations or people that can make me feel like the feelings are becoming overwhelming and unmanageable. Xmas and new year is notorious for pushing you into those situations you don’t want to or can’t deal with, or WANT to do but can’t, which is equally as frustrating and upsetting.

I tried recently to explain a bit on Facebook about how I was feeling but that really was an epic fail. It was a moment of weakness but tbh Facebook is really not a place to try and be sharing your personal stuff I decided. But a few weeks ago I watched this video on the TED talks channel by a man called Andrew Solomon and I want to quote him now from that video, since he explains much better than me what anxiety feels like. It’s NOT feeling a bit nervous before you have to go and do something or meet someone. That is normal and beneficial. Anxiety is painful and disabling and terrifying, and when I was at my most ill some years ago now, this was exactly what it was like, and what I dread every day in case it could happen to me to these levels again, and he brought me to tears when I listened to him speak. He says,

If you told me I would have to be depressed for the next month, I would say as long as I know it will over in November I can do it. But if you said to me you have to have acute anxiety for the next month, I would rather slit my wrists than go through it. It was the feeling, all the time, like that feeling if you’re walking and you slip or trip and the ground is rushing up at you, but instead of lasting half a second the way that does, it lasted for 6 months. It’s a sensation of being afraid all the time, but not even knowing what it is that you are afraid of.

I never want to feel that bad again. And I didn’t intend to write this post, I said this would be a quick post lol, but it seems to just be happening. But I don’t want to really talk about that anymore. As much as people tell you you should talk about mental health and things, for me it makes me feel too vulnerable and a bit embarrassed. I wrote my poem about some of the stuff I was feeling in my last post, and generally I am well enough to cope with my day to day and hold down a job and enjoy a very small amount of socialising (as long as I know I can escape at any time and it’s a safe space.) Although I keep my life very small I am still proud of that compared to past times when those things felt impossible, and every day when I have a good day then I say well done to myself, and when I have a bad day I say, this will pass and I cling to that.

So anyway, I made it through another December and here I am ready to face 2015. I did make a new years resolution, which is to procrastinate less. (Procrastinators unite… tomorrow! lol.) This post turned into a mess of stuff so sorry, but thank you for reading, and I am looking forward to sharing lots more poems, songs, places to visit in SL and my artwork, pictures and writing over the next year.

Here are my two old school tracks. BOUNCE!

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