One of my favourite books in RL is ‘the five people you meet in Heaven,’ by Mitch Albom. That book impacted my life strongly when I first read it, maybe 7 or 8 years ago. Most strongly, the two short paragraphs in which the Blue Man explains the purpose of heaven. He says that people imagine heaven as a place to float on clouds and laze in rivers and mountains. But scenery without solace is meaningless. That what heaven is for, is understanding our lives on earth. The greatest gift we can ever receive is to understand what has happened in our life. To have it explained. That is the peace we have been searching for.
I am not a religious person. But I have a strong sense of my own spirituality, my connectedness to the universal energy, and I see signs every day from the universal energy as I live out my human experience. I see signs and I have a strong sense of being looked after. The lessons I am learning here on the physical plane, the growing of my soul, I wasn’t even aware of any of it until I suffered a huge trauma in my life and came very close to death. That experience, when I look back on it now, tore open what had been sleeping. Ever since then, I have been trying to educate myself and understand the journey I am on, the things that have happened to me, the pain I have suffered and in turn the pain I have caused to others. I have been trying to open my eyes.
I have written before that it’s fair to say that I have been through a lot in my life. I have not written before, that my childhood taught me to be selfish and controlling, that love is only given under conditions, that those conditions are changeable at a whim, it taught me to test and push boundaries and cling and reject and run. It taught me all of that. I could probably sit around feeling sorry for myself and my crappy childhood for the rest of my physical life, but self pity is just another form of vanity and I have wasted enough time doing that. I have wasted enough time focusing on being unhappy and feeling alone, when deep down I know we none of us are alone on our journeys and we can’t change a single thing until we change our state of mind. It doesn’t matter who ‘didn’t’ love me. It only matters who did and does.
There is a quote by Neil Gaiman that goes, ‘I think hell is something you carry around with you. Not somewhere you go.’ I think that’s accurate, and I think the same can be said about heaven. And since where our actual existence is, the thing that makes us ‘us’ is our consciousness, we can move from heaven to hell and back again at the speed of a thought. We can dwell in one state or the other with a series of thoughts and the things we tell ourselves. And here in my adult life, I am trying to unlearn all those things I was taught in childhood by careless and selfish and neglectful grown-ups, which left my head in hell. It’s the hardest thing to do, it’s hard not to remain in a world of blame that excuses you from changing. It’s hard to look at yourself and understand you are the reflection of those people who’s behaviour hurt and disgusted you, that you are unwillingly bringing theirs and your own hell to others by acting out in your pain. But acknowledgement is the first step to healing. I am not a bad person. I have light in me that is struggling to be free.
This post has come about because over the last few days, I have had a number of eye-opening conversations with someone I truly believe was sent into my life to help me heal. Everyone who we meet has a purpose, everyone is teaching us something. But some people more than others. Some people effect and and change the course of our lives forever. I have been learning to love myself over the last… year maybe. But allowing others to love me and returning love is scarier for me. Not that I’m incapable of loving others. But because of all the stuff I wrote up there about childhood, it becomes messy and painful and difficult, and involves a lot of fear on my part. I have suffered, and it truly is agonising, years of pain and confusion because I couldn’t see the patterns I was repeating, that make any kind of loving relationship so difficult for me. To finally understand myself, to finally see, to finally have the fog fall from my eyes, I cannot even express what a relief it is. To know why I ‘always fuck everything up,’ why I make people crazy, yes I am disappointed I have been (for the most part) blind to that behaviour, but the overwhelming feeling is of relief and happiness because I can finally see reasons. No, I am not a new person and yes I will still need to work on this stuff every day and probably be reminded a lot when I stumble and fall. But I am armed with the knowledge that can let me move forward now. I can let go of all that stuff that hurts. I can be happier. Which is what made me think of the Blue Man in ‘the five people you meet in Heaven’ story, and those quotes. I always thought that I would never ever find peace of mind until I died and got to the next plane and figured all this stuff out with whoever is there to teach me. I longed for that day. It was my greatest, most painful wish, to have peace of mind. But today I feel much closer to that wish being my reality in my life now, and I am deeply grateful ♥